Valentines Day is one of the biggest days in the film calendar, proving that people would rather sit in a dark room, facing forward and taking in a story than actually spending real time together. Luckily, there are some great films to not spend the evening with your other half… with. Then again, there are some rubbish ones too.

Monuments MenAre you sure it isn't good?

Monuments Men

Monuments Men – from the brain of George Clooney – tells the story of a group of experts drafted to extract remnants of culture amidst Western Europe – remnants that are under threat of being destroyed by the Nazis.

Clooney writes, directs and stars, and with a supporting cast comprising John Goodman, Cate Blanchett and Matt Damon, to name a few, you wouldn’t be a fool for thinking, ‘hey, that sounds good. Unfortunately, it’s not; the critics weren’t kind to the silver fox’s baby, and it’s probably one you’ll want to avoid tonight.

Lego MoviePure fun in the Lego Movie

The Lego Movie

Animated fun usually comes in abundance, and The Lego movie doesn’t disappoint. It doesn’t try and subvert classic narrative structures; it doesn’t offer up any new ideas on its tried and tested genre, but what it does do, is offer up a rip-roaring underdog tale with memorable, colourful characters and some well-known franchise name checks to boot.

The critics were enamored with the first of what surely will be voluminous Lego movies. In fact, we drafted in some expert scientists to implement some complex formulae, and it just so happens that The Lego Movie is one of the best things ever.

HerTheodor ponders his existence - and his OS, which he has sex with - in Her


Her basically features Joaquin Phoenix walking around in brilliant shirts and weird trousers.

Spike Jonze's latest effort sees Theodor (played by the great and weird trouser-clad Phoenix) fall in love with his operating system in a bleak, sun-drenched vision of the future. Scarlett Johansson plays his OS lovingly. Despite being somewhat twee, there’s plenty to get out of Her.

The performances, especially from Phoenix, are great. And Jonez’s depiction of a near-future world, in which people are glued to their devices is both familiar and dystopian.

Cuban FurySort of gives away the plot, but whatever

Cuban Fury

In 1987, Bruce Garrett is a promising dancer, ready to take on the world with his moves. Fast forward to the present day, with a fair serving of bullying along the way, and Garrett – played by Nick Frost – is overweight, under-confident and and unloved. He loves his boss – the only thing keeping him going, especially in his rubbish job, but she’s out of his league.

Alright, the premise isn’t impossible to derive laughter from. And if this film were in someone else’s hands – James Griffiths directs – then it could have been a disaster. But not being a disaster doesn’t make a film great, and what we’ve ended up with is a rather forgettable underdog story with little more than the superficial to offer. Don’t necessarily avoid, but only see it if you’ve seen Her and The Lego Movie, which you haven’t because they’re out tonight, you illegal downloader.

Endless LoveThat's enough of that

Endless Love

Alright, let’s get this over and done with: I wish this Endless Love would just end! Now we’ve got the most obvious line out of the way, it’s time to hit you with the truth: don’t watch Endless Love on Valentines Day, unless you want to mark your relationship with a black spot akin to pirate legend.

One critic – Claudia Puig of USA Today to be precise – was moved to write: “Might as well be one long montage of yearning gazes, tender kisses and lovers splashing in sundry bodies of water like playful otters.” It got 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. Don’t watch it.