The Best Of TV And Film To Watch This Christmas - A Guide
Christmas is weird. If you – like a child – have little to no responsibilities, then it’s a pretty blissful time; you can sit around, eating pate and quaffing liquor, unless you actually are a child, then you’ll be doing something similar with Quality Street and coke.
But if you’re an adult, with 9 children – 3 of whom have nut allergies, while the only boy is going through a vegetarian phase - then the festive period can look more like an ancient Egyptian slave camp than the fairytale images conjured up by seasonal advertising.
Whatever your Christmas status is – lazy young adult, idiotic child or stressed mum – everyone sits down and watches TV at this time of year. Everything’s just so watchable. And if you haven’t got a TV, then don’t worry, you’re not reading this, because no one without a TV has a computer and the Internet, probably.
We’ve combed through the endless listings in TV guides to curate a little televisual guide for all your festive viewing, so you don’t start watching something awful – like Top Gear - while simultaneously, Toy Story 3 is blazing through its animated gears over on a different channel.
Next page: Doctor Who, obviously.
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Dr. Who – 7.30pm, Christmas Day, BBC 1
Even if you don’t like Dr. Who, you watch the Christmas one. That’s a thing; it happens every year, and by the time it’s on, you’re so tired and drunk it could quite literally be anything. So you watch whichever charismatic, British actor they’ve chosen this time prance around on screen with a little screwdriver while he outsmarts everyone 4 times in one sentence.
This year’s Christmas Doctor will be particularly special, as two charismatic Brits will be on screen. Matt Smith, who decided to jack it all in for a fresh start, handed over to Peter Capaldi, a man who swears so much on The Thick of It, his surname rhymes with f*cker. Family fun all round, we’d expect.
Downton Abbey - 8.30pm, Christmas Day, ITV 1
Oh Downton, love a bit of Downton, Downton’s great, did you watch Downton? What’s Downton Abbey? Have you ever heard any of the aforementioned sentences? Well you and the family will likely be tucking into a bit of ITV period drama then, won’t you.
This year’s Christmas special takes the form of ‘Season 4, Episode 9’, which doesn’t sound that glamorous, but Rose – whoever that is – is set to be presented at Buckingham Palace, so, it is glamorous. With Downton being the ratings behemoth it has been, we’d expect it to get somewhere closer to Eastenders, which even people without TVs watch, it’s so popular.
Next page: A festive feast.
Jamie’s Festive Feast - 8.00pm, Mon, December 30th, Channel 4
It’s difficult not to like Jamie Oliver, even though he says things like “literally wang that up however you like” and “woah nelly”. He’s a lovable idiot, and he makes good food and pretends it’s healthy, and we like that. And when it comes to festive chow, he’s the go-to-guy; conjuring up unthinkable feasts, like fig toothpaste and soap flavoured jam. He doesn’t actually do that.
Aside from all the reruns of his Christmas food shows, in which he inexplicably cooks outside even though he has a massive house 17 meters away from him, Jamie’s also showing us how 2014 people eat with this year’s festive feast, leading into a New Year’s medley. So tune in while Jay walks around his Essex mansion, eating pork kebabs for breakfast and making his daughters throw sugar around the kitchen.
Toy Story 3 - 3.20pm, Christmas Day, BBC 1
It’s not a Christmas film, but it’s much better than all of the Christmas films put together. And do you want to know why? Because it’s the best film ever made, and if you don’t believe us, watch it; you’ll see. Toy Story 3 is the absolute pinnacle of funny people making creative, funny things. And it’s right in the middle of Christmas – on the actual day. What else do you want, five million pounds?
Honestly, we’d take the £5m, but that’s not on offer, so grab your new socks, unravel a Satsuma and set up a drip consisting of mulled cider, liquidised mince pies and roast potatoes to run right into your veins. Sofa-based bliss.
Next page: Chatty Man.
Chatty Man: Christmas Special - 9.30pm, Christmas Day, Channel 4
Alan Carr doesn’t care what you think, and that’s probably what makes him funny. The fact that David Dickenson and Russell Brand are along for the ride is nothing but a bonus. If you’ve got elderly relatives, who might have a problem with a gay man being famous and funny, then shove this show on – turn it up really loud – and flaunt your liberal views all over their Christmas faces. Idiots.
Sorry for calling your gran an idiot, but she is. Alan Carr’s a bit of an idiot too - we all are, but that shouldn’t stop us watching him chat to other people, should it?
The Whale - 9pm, Sunday, December 22nd, BBC1
Yeah. This is good. It’s time for some proper original Christmas drama, and it’s got Martin Sheen. The Whale tells the story – which most believe to be the inspiration for the literary classic, Moby Dick – of the 19th-century Nantucket whaling ship, which was attacked and sunk by a sperm whale in 1820.
The crew was splayed into three groups, with the unenviable decision: head for the nearest islands (1000 miles away) or head for South America (3000 miles). The tale is seen through the eyes of the 14-year-old cabin boy, played by Charles Furness, with Sheen filling the role of the same character, but older. The rest of the crew includes Paul Kaye, Adam Rayner and Jolyon Coy. It's the only show we haven't tried to make a silly joke about, so you should consider that fact long and hard when deciding what to watch.
Next page: Eastenders Versus Downton!
Eastenders (v Downton) 8pm, Christmas Day, BBC 1
We know you're going to watch Eastenders, so you might as well just drop the act. The London-based soap was the most-watched thing on Christmas Day last year, and given that Danny Dyer is turning up with a big dog to take over the iconic Vic pub, we'd expect similar numbers to tune right in. Why can't there just be a nice Christmas in East London, hey? How about no deaths or divorces this year? This clashes with Downton. Controversial.