News that Bonnie Tyler is to represent the United Kingdom in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest has brought some right curmudgeons out of the woodwork, claiming that this is going to be one of the worst Eurovision entrants by Britain in years.

Bonnie Tyler

Bonnie Tyler will be the UK's 2013 Eurovision entrant - will she be the worst yet?

That’s saying something though given the absolute shower of dunces they’ve been sending to the annual song contest over the past decade or so. In fact, Britain used to have a rich heritage at the Eurovision (winning 5 times) and though political relations play a big part in the voting process, it’s fair to say that our declining performance hasn’t just been down to souring relations. We’ve managed to unearth a real pantheon of horrors to represent us in recent years. So without further ado, here are five utter terrors that should never have been allowed past border control…

Jemini  ‘Cry Baby’ (2003)

Jemini really did kick off the bad old days for Britain at the Eurovision, with the country’s first ever ‘nul points’ score. In fairness to the Liverpool duo we feel a bit bad putting it in here, their song wasn’t really that bad, a Eurodisco track that unfortunately came out around about the time Britain decided it was going to war with Iraq. Whoever the country’s entrant was it wasn’t likely to end well.

Daz Sampson ‘Teenage Life’ (2006)

The same can’t be said for Daz Sampson, who we’re still amazed to find out actually gained 25 points for this ghastly tune. The song wasn’t really the weirdest part, that bit was reserved for a 31 year-old bloke who looked like he’d just knocked off the building site cavorting around with a load of girls dressed in school uniform. Troubling. Sadly Sampsons pervert-pop didn’t catch the imagination of the public home or abroad.

Scooch ‘Flying The Flag (For You)’ (2007)

Things always go bad for Britain when they attempt to hit Europe with a charm offensive at the Eurovision. Check this effort by previously forgotten turn of the millennium pop group Scooch, who returned dressed as air stewards for this song that attempted to reach out to the entire continent in its bizarre Euro-pop-cum-erotic flight attendant message (“would you like something to suck on for landing?” Hmm…) It failed miserably at 22nd spot, with the group suffering from accusations of miming, after it was discovered they used two extra singers off stage.

Andy Abraham ‘Even If’ (2008)

Completing the UK’s mid-noughties trilogy of terror was X Factor 2005 runner-up Andy Abraham. The singer had actually released two albums on Sony BMG, the first selling a whopping 176,000 copies. Yet ‘Even If’ proved to be the decisive death knell for the then 44 year-old’s pop star aspirations. Going down a breezy pop route that ultimately just sounded like your dad reinventing himself as a wedding singer wasn’t really what Eurovision judges were looking for in 2008, and Abraham was pole-axed to find himself slump in at 25th spot.

Engelbert Humperdinck ‘Love Will Set You Free’ (2012)

The year in which the UK finally admitted that they’d completely given up any hope of excelling at the Eurovision ever again, and plumped for veteran crooner Humperdinck take the lead on a song that would probably have been considered dated when Humperdinck first came to prominence in the 1960’s. It appears though that, despite ‘Love Will Set You Free’ scoring a miserable 12 points for 25th spot last year, Britain is going down the old ‘barely legends’ route again with Tyler. We’re not expecting much.