She's All That

70 percent crap.

The way I ended up at She's All That is because my wife refused to go see 8mm, thus sticking us with this little flick, which she figured I wouldn't mind seeing on account of the girls with large bazongas. And she is right: In point of fact, I do not mind seeing girls with large bazongas, especially when they shake 'em on the dance floor.

Said shaking is done on Prom Night, six weeks after Zach (Prinze) is poised to win a bet in which he is tasked with turning uber-dork Laney (Cook) into a teenage goddess. And Zach does some damn fine work. You see, Laney's mom has died, and she's a bit of a nut job on account of being the only woman in the family and having Kevin Pollak as a dad. Zach's got his own troubles, too: He can't choose between attending Dartmouth, Yale, or Harvard... or he might wanna be a hacky-sack performance artist! (This is not a joke.)

Of course Laney and Zach help each other through all this rabid insanity! But Laney finds out about the bet and - the horror - she gets mad at Zach and goes to the prom with someone else! Could their blossoming relationship be doomed? Well, you'll just have to get yourself to the theater for that answer!

Okay, there are a few chuckles, but I can count them all on one hand. That Prom Night shaking is also the best-choreographed prom I've ever seen, and that includes all the ones on 90210. But overall, this movie's a loser. As far as teen comedy/romances go... well, Molly Ringwald is probably turning over in her grave.

Er, wait a second.

Anna Paquin won an Oscar for The Piano... could she be looking at a second statue for She's All That!? We'll find out in March 2000! [No. -Ed.]