There are 474 films coming out on Valentines Day, all with the specific view of pulling couples in to sit down in silence for two hours while they’re force-fed a story. How will The Monuments Men pull away from the pack to win the weekend? Well let me tell you.

Monuments MenGreat premise, poor execution - The Monuments Men

It’s a very simple formula. People who go to the cinema on Valentines Day don’t actually know anything about movies. If they knew about movies – or anything about life in general – they’d stay in on Valentines Day, eat pizza and watch episodes of Seinfeld. It’s the most comforting thing you can do.

No. The people who trek out to the pictures with their better half on February 14th are heading to a packed theater alongside 54 other couples, all with the same idea. If someone says something contentious on screen about relationships, everyone in that cinema is squirming uncomfortably. And due to uncontrollable, inherent and deep-seated sexism: the men in that movie theater are £40 down at this point. 

So therefore it stands to reason that the people going to the cinema on Valentines Day won’t know about The Monuments Men’s bad reviews. And it’s got some pretty bad reviews. They’ll just see ‘Clooney’, ‘funny’, ‘World War II’, ‘Cate Blanchett’, ‘Oh that guy from The Big Lebowski’, and before you know it, they’re entering their card details, putting them in an elite demographic of people just above those who actually queue to see a film on Valentines Day.

And that’s why – amidst the millions of films released on the annual celebration of contrived affection – The Monuments Men will make a bucket of money, and George Clooney will sip coffee in his Italian mansion, complete with sea views and a free coffee machine because of that advert what he did. And he won't give a sh*t.

Happy Valentines Day. Watch the trailer for The Monuments Men.