Holly Madison considered suicide because she was so unhappy with life in the Playboy mansion.
The 35-year-old model admitted she considered drowning herself in the bathtub of the famous house because being Hugh Hefner's number one girlfriend made her so miserable.
Recalling lying in the bath in 2002, she admitted she thought: ''If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over... Would anyone even miss me?''
Writing in her memoir 'Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny', she added: ''I just couldn't take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference...
''Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading.''
And Holly felt of the 89-year-old media mogul's other six girlfriends, only her friend Bridget Marquardt would have been saddened by her death.
Of Hefner - who she described as ''a man who was old enough to be my grandfather'' - she wrote: ''Would he even miss me? No, I was certain I was just another warm body - as we all were. 'Just another blonde,' I could hear him say.''
The blonde beauty eventually decided her death would be ''swept under the rug'' like every other ''scandal and ghost that once plagued Hugh Hefner'' and decided not to go through with the plan as she wanted to be able to speak out about her experiences one day.
She said: ''Thankfully the only thing greater than my need to escape was my desire to share my experience. If I sunk my head below the water and went to sleep, no one would ever know the truth.''
In extracts from the book obtained by People magazine, Holly - who has two-year-old daughter Rainbow with husband Pasquale Rotella - insisted her life was not as ''incredibly glamorous'' as it seemed and was very different to what she had expected as an aspiring model.
She said: ''Everyone thinks that the infamous metal gate was meant to keep people out. But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in.''
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