Jamie’s Festive Feast - 8.00pm, Mon, December 30th, Channel 4

Jamie Oliver Christmas FoodWhat's he got there, little beef cereal?

It’s difficult not to like Jamie Oliver, even though he says things like “literally wang that up however you like” and “woah nelly”. He’s a lovable idiot, and he makes good food and pretends it’s healthy, and we like that. And when it comes to festive chow, he’s the go-to-guy; conjuring up unthinkable feasts, like fig toothpaste and soap flavoured jam. He doesn’t actually do that.

Aside from all the reruns of his Christmas food shows, in which he inexplicably cooks outside even though he has a massive house 17 meters away from him, Jamie’s also showing us how 2014 people eat with this year’s festive feast, leading into a New Year’s medley. So tune in while Jay walks around his Essex mansion, eating pork kebabs for breakfast and making his daughters throw sugar around the kitchen.

Toy Story 3 - 3.20pm, Christmas Day, BBC 1

Toy Story 3 Christmas DayAll hail to the king - it's Toy Story 3

It’s not a Christmas film, but it’s much better than all of the Christmas films put together. And do you want to know why? Because it’s the best film ever made, and if you don’t believe us, watch it; you’ll see. Toy Story 3 is the absolute pinnacle of funny people making creative, funny things. And it’s right in the middle of Christmas – on the actual day. What else do you want, five million pounds?

Honestly, we’d take the £5m, but that’s not on offer, so grab your new socks, unravel a Satsuma and set up a drip consisting of mulled cider, liquidised mince pies and roast potatoes to run right into your veins. Sofa-based bliss.

Next page: Chatty Man.