Chatty Man: Christmas Special - 9.30pm, Christmas Day, Channel 4

Alan Carr Chatty Man Christmas SpecialCarr's a chatty man and he's chatting away on Christmas day

Alan Carr doesn’t care what you think, and that’s probably what makes him funny. The fact that David Dickenson and Russell Brand are along for the ride is nothing but a bonus. If you’ve got elderly relatives, who might have a problem with a gay man being famous and funny, then shove this show on – turn it up really loud – and flaunt your liberal views all over their Christmas faces. Idiots.

Sorry for calling your gran an idiot, but she is. Alan Carr’s a bit of an idiot too - we all are, but that shouldn’t stop us watching him chat to other people, should it?

The Whale - 9pm, Sunday, December 22nd, BBC1

The Whale BBCWe're looking forward to The Whale

Yeah. This is good. It’s time for some proper original Christmas drama, and it’s got Martin Sheen. The Whale tells the story – which most believe to be the inspiration for the literary classic, Moby Dick – of the 19th-century Nantucket whaling ship, which was attacked and sunk by a sperm whale in 1820.

The crew was splayed into three groups, with the unenviable decision: head for the nearest islands (1000 miles away) or head for South America (3000 miles). The tale is seen through the eyes of the 14-year-old cabin boy, played by Charles Furness, with Sheen filling the role of the same character, but older. The rest of the crew includes Paul Kaye, Adam Rayner and Jolyon Coy. It's the only show we haven't tried to make a silly joke about, so you should consider that fact long and hard when deciding what to watch.

Next page: Eastenders Versus Downton!