Transformers: The Last Knight

With this fifth Transformers movie, it seems clear that Michael Bay is still trying to define this franchise. The first film was solidly entertaining, but the sequels have been hit and miss. And this jarringly chaotic episode never finds its feet. Is it aimed at teen boys (robots hitting each other), young children (a random little girl in the cast) or action fans (Mark Wahlberg being heroic)? Meanwhile, the plot only barely connects a stream of wildly overblown set-pieces.

We find Wahlberg's mad inventor Cade now in hiding protecting the good Autobots, while government meathead Lennox (Josh Duhamel) chases the evil Decepticons. Somewhere in space, tentacled temptress Quintessa (Gemma Chan) has turned heroic Transformer Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) to the dark side, and now they're heading to suck the life out of Earth, as you do. Humanity's only hope is in a mysterious talisman Cade possesses and the staff of Merlin the magician (Stanley Tucci in an Arthurian prologue), which only Oxford professor Vivian (Laura Haddock) can wield. She's accompanied by dotty Sir Edmund (Anthony Hopkins), who helpfully explains the mythology with the assistance of robot butler Cogman (Jim Carter). Then everyone converges on Stonehenge for an epic battle.

To be fair, Bay does have an eye for spectacle, and the film looks properly amazing in Imax 3D, especially as Bay throws everything he can think of at the screen, including some adorable baby dinosaur robots, a submarine chase, various elements from Star Wars and Alien, and a military invasion that desperately wants to outdo Saving Private Ryan's opening scene. All of this is piled into a blender and edited together with absolutely no sense of logic or geography.

The actors hang on as best they can, constantly explaining the inane mythology in lengthy speeches before diving into the next bit of action chaos. This means there's no time at all to develop their roles into actual characters with any sense of interrelationship, as people appear here and there at random, crisscrossing the globe in record time, then vanish from the screen until they're needed again.

Thankfully, their dialogue is full of throwaway humour, which at least gives us something to smile at before the next outbreak of hyper-violence. It's a shame Bay has so conclusively lost control of this franchise, because the first film had plenty of heart, properly engaging characters and an exhilarating story. By contrast, this movie leaves us feeling like we've been smacked in the face for two and a half long hours. So the pre-credit tag teasing part six is chilling for all the wrong reasons.

Watch the trailer for Transformers: The Last Knight: