In a collective attempt to throw their rattle from the pram, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber scream "we're grown up" in the most depressingly juvenile song to come out since Kreayshawn burst on to the scene with 'Breakfast (Syrup);' the newly leaked 'Twerk.' Yes who would have thought it, it turns out that Miley Cyrus' disturbing performance at the VMAs was a publicity stunt after all, one used to prepare us all for this monstrosity from Lil Twist and the two whitest people alive. (And apologies for singling out Kreayshaw. There's probably plenty of other songs that could have been used for this example, we just have a time limit on writing and we needed a quick fix that's all).

Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus being all 'edgy' and 'cool' at prior to the VMAs last week

See all our pictures from the VMA's red carpet

After traumatising the Smith family (and the rest of us) on Sunday (25 August), Miley kicks off the new collab. an equally frightful, yet believable manner, exclaiming, "I came up in this party time to twerk!" Thus unleashing the torrent of synth-driven, bassy noise that serves as the beat for the majority of the song. After this, she only really pops up sporadically to sing over parts of the bridge and on the hook, but don't think a lack of the former Disney princess makes up for any part of the song, because it only gets worse after that initial pre-twerking declaration.

The first person to actually come on the track to 'sing' (or whatever it is that kids do nowadays) is Bieber, muttering something half-inaudible about how he wants to be the platform on which one of his many female admirers can twerk upon.

"Hey pretty girl, tell me your name. The way that you move, baby I'm happy you came," Justin begins his verse with, before muttering something else about the evening's fine young catch and moving on to Twist's part.

Justin Bieber
"Moooom! I'm 18 now! I can make my own decisions!"

There's really not much else to say about the song, and were sure you get the gist of it anyway. Each time the track goes online, it has been promptly removed by YouTube or wherever else it emerges (at the time of writing, this video worked). But rejoice anyway because there surely isn't that much more to do to this song to make it any worse/salvage it into something that isn't horrendous, so it will probably be out on general release before the year is over. We'll let you know when that is, so we can all suffer together.

Lil Twist
So THAT'S where Miley got her tongue idea from