Joel Soisson

Joel Soisson

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Piranha 3DD Review


Terrible
After the guilty-pleasure success of 2010's Piranha 3D, the quickly slapped-together trailer for this sequel looked like just as much fun. Sadly, more time and creativity was put into that teaser than the finished movie, which is a choppy, unfunny mess.

Maddy (Panabaker) is back home in Arizona from grad school, working in the water park she owns with her breast-obsessed stepdad Chet (Koechner). But after the Lake Victoria disaster, prehistoric piranhas have migrated here, drawn to the park's chlorine. After consulting with wild-haired expert Goodman (Lloyd), Maddy tries to avert disaster with the help of deputy Kyle (Zylka) and nice-guy Barry (Bush), who are rivals for her affections. But as the summer launch party nears, Chet refuses to close the park.

Continue reading: Piranha 3DD Review

Pulse (2006) Review


Bad
Earlier in 2006, a killer videogame stalked teenagers in Stay Alive; Pulse ups the ante with ghostly wireless signals stalking college students. The latest J-horror remake never pitches itself over the top, refusing to pile on the jump-scares, fake-jump-scares, and the accompanying soundtrack blasts; instead, it takes a low-key approach... along the way becoming completely unconvincing and almost prodigiously unscary. Boring is the new ridiculous.

It's a shame, too, because computer-centric horror is usually a good bet for ridiculousness. Here, the computer stuff isn't detailed enough to really bug the geeks; they'll be too busy pointing out how the movie's screenplay could be improved, and how Kristen Bell takes one of the most disappointing baths in horror history.

Continue reading: Pulse (2006) Review

Dracula Iii: Legacy Review


Bad
I have a British friend whose favorite curse is "Bloody hell!!" It strikes me that there's no better way to describe Dracula III: Legacy. Bloody hell pretty much sums it up.

The latest installment in this "Wes Craven Presents..." series of vampire tales, Dracula III continues the saga of the mysterious, once-bitten Father Vincent Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee) and his wise-cracking sidekick Luke (Jason London), as they head deep into the Romanian forest to kill Dracula once and for all, and to rescue Joe's girlfriend Elizabeth (Law and Order SVU's Diane Neal), who turned into a bloodsucker in a sexy red dress in the last movie.

Continue reading: Dracula Iii: Legacy Review

Highlander: Endgame Review


Bad
He is Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. He's been pimpin' it since he was born in the village of Glennfillan in 15somethingsomething, and he continues to pimp it in modern day. He is immortal and he cannot die.

Much to our chagrin.

Continue reading: Highlander: Endgame Review

Joel Soisson

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Joel Soisson Movies

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

After the guilty-pleasure success of 2010's Piranha 3D, the quickly slapped-together trailer for this sequel...

Pulse (2006) Movie Review

Pulse (2006) Movie Review

Earlier in 2006, a killer videogame stalked teenagers in Stay Alive; Pulse ups the ante...

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Dracula Iii: Legacy Movie Review

Dracula Iii: Legacy Movie Review

I have a British friend whose favorite curse is "Bloody hell!!" It strikes me that...

Highlander: Endgame Movie Review

Highlander: Endgame Movie Review

He is Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. He's been pimpin' it since he...

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